After two years in WordPress, Tasting Room Confidential has just undergone its biggest redesign yet. A new WordPress theme, London Live, offers a more newsy look with more photos and headlines on the home page, like a bigger house with more shelfspace. I can’t wait to show you the new photo galleries.

It’s impossible for me to write about Valentine’s Day wines without a nod to the holiday’s signature song, My Funny Valentine. Depending on what list you follow, My Funny Valentine is either the fifth or sixth most famous jazz standard in history. And, as with many enduring jazz standards, it started out as a Broadway showtune.

Babes in Arms was the 1937 Rogers and Hart show about two kids trying to launch showbiz careers in the aftermath of Vaudeville. Despite its condescending lyrics, My Funny Valentine is affectionately sung by the female character to a guy named Val, or Valentine. What’s not clear is whether the song is an homage to the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre of 1929. Coincidentally, Babe in Arms also debuted another jazz standard, The Lady is a Tramp.

Largely forgotten throughout the 40’s, My Funny Valentine was resurrected in a 1953 recording by Chet Baker and the Gerry Mulligan Quartet, and Baker’s haunting vocal rendition has since becoming legendary. Then came Charley Parker’s recording in 1954, Ruby Braff and Ellis Larkins in 1955, the landmark Miles Davis version in 1956, Bill Evans and Jim Hall in 1962, and the list of jazz interpretations goes on ad infinitum. At this point I think My Funny Valentine is due for a change.

So, in honor of love, wine and Valentines Day’s – plus regrets to Rogers and Hart – I have corrupted the lyrics to My Funny Valentine to create My Flabby Valiant Wine. But don’t worry, I have retained the affectionate condesension and loving insults to keep its spirit true to the original.

Please click here and sing along to the Chet Baker/Gerry Mulligan instrumental version.
For extra comic effect, try using an Elmer Fudd voice.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(3-sec delay)

My Flabby Valiant Wine

My flabby Valiant Wine
Sweet tannic Valiant Wine
You make my glands really hurt
Your color is laughable
Unphotographable
Yet you’re my favourite taste of dirt

Is your body less than Greek?
Is your mouthfeel kind of weak?
When you open up at peak
Are you dessert?

But don’t change your label for me
Not at the table with me
Stay little Valiant Wine, and pay
Today is Valiant Wine’s payday

My flabby Valiant Wine
Sharp, piquant Valiant Wine
You’re the malic acid of my eye
Your finish is momentary
Like maraschino cherry
But you are always what I’ll buy

Does your fruit taste less than ripe
Does your structure feel like tripe
When you breathe like a pipe
Are you corked?

But don’t change your oak for me
Or add some smoke for me
Stay little Valiant Wine, and pay
Today is Valiant Wine’s payday

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This Sunday’s Super Bowl will feature a half-time show with Madonna, who may inspire a dance party as she shimmies and shakes her way through Give Me All Your Love, Ray of Light, Vogue, Music and Holiday.

Question is, what wine will you drink for the Super Bowl and Madonna?

While it would be fun to toast Madonna with one of her dad’s wines from Ciccone Vineyards, it might be a little late to get any bottles shipped from the winery on Michigan’s Leelenau Peninsula.

If you go for typical football foods – pizza, nachos, salsa, potato chips, dips, cheese, chicken wings, barbecue ribs – that’s a lot of oily, spicy, acidic, high protein food to pair with wine. Here are a few suggestions:

White Wine

Die-hard Giant or Patriots fans should definitely spring for real French Champagne, which always tastes sweeter when your team wins the Super Bowl. For the rest of us a clean, locally-made Brut is a sure bet for potato chips or popcorn.

Crisp, dry rieslings or sauvignon blancs are great white wines for cutting through cholesterol and heat, and for refreshing the palate.

Red Wine

For a red wine that’s light as the feet you’re watching, a fruity, racy Chilean pinot noir will push down morsels without leaving cleat marks on your tongue.

For beefier team players, a fruity zinfandel, a meaty syrah or petite sirah – or a California red wine blend – will handily tackle the spice of wings, pork and sausage. But look for something under 14.5 % alcohol since heat + spice = palate overkill.

Men who want to feel more manly, and perhaps grow a few more chest hairs, should try strongly tannic red wines like a French Cahors (malbec) or a Uruguayan Tannat. You can wear your purple teeth like a badge of honor.

Since the 49ers didn’t make it, I have no team preference in this Super Bowl. However, I will be rooting for Madonna to not get all Hung Up on her lip-syncing.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday!